Inspiration City

So I was really inspired by today's Something Awful Photoshop Phriday topic, "Sin City." Now for any of you who haven't read the comic before...fucking do so! For those of you that haven't seen the movie yet...WHAT IN THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?! Anyway, I made this little picture for some photoshop practice so that I can eventually create some dope propaganda materials for the future Pokemon Liberation Front (name subject to change) website. If all goes well, this won't be the last time you'll be hearing about that. Until then...

Aw man, this is too good...

An update on the previous "Star Wars" post. Apparently, those dumb fucks are lined up at the wrong theater. I'd make a joke about this, but it seems they've already done the work for me.

A simple equation...

I've figured it out! Apparently the amount of words written in a blog are inversely proportionate to how many comments are left.

Also, apparently the word "blog" itself isn't in Blogger's spellcheck dictionary.



How ironic...

I really hate to say this...

but I kinda miss MySpace. Sigh...

You're effin' kidding me, right?

So apparently on April 1st, a shit-ton of dateless losers decided to plant their fat fanboy asses square in front of the famous Chinese Theater in Hollywood to wait for tickets to George Lucas's upcoming bloated, self-serving debacle entitled Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Ludicrously Long Titles. It seems as if several of these inbred toolboxes have banded together and started a website chronicling the next month's greasy adventures in sitting on their asses.

Wow, it's going to be a real page-turner, I'm sure:

-"Day one...sat here and played PSP. Got laughed at by hundreds of passerby."

-"Day two...argued with Jim about midichlorians as a metaphor for the potential in all living beings...tried to play PSP only to discover that the battery has roughly the same life-span as a fruit fly. Got laughed at by overweight Midwestern tourists wearing Hawaiian shirts and sandals with black socks."

-"Day five...today, some unbelievably hot looking women were walking by and stopped to ask us what we all were waiting here for (even though the fact that Rob and Steve were two feet behind me fighting with plastic lightsabers should have given it away.) When I told them that we were waiting in line for tickets to the next Star Wars movie, they proceded to mace me and repeatedly kick me in the balls until I had no choice but to curl up on the ground, sobbing until they turned away in disgust. Still, that was the most contact that I've ever had with a member of the opposite sex, so I guess this counts as my best day ever!"

-"Day eleven...so cold...so hungry...Oh, and got laughed at by hundreds of passerby."

-"Day fourteen...the hunger is unstoppable. Steve was the first to succumb. His sacrifice, however was not in vain as, not only did his significant girth provide all of us with a hearty banquet but the ghost of Obi-Wan Kenobi came to me and told me that if I hollowed out his lifeless corpse (Tauntaun style) I could use it as a sleeping bag to get me through the chilly nights ahead."

Actually, that's probably MUCH more interesting than their blog so I guess I'll have to stop right now. Anyway, the point I guess I was trying to make is that while I would have once considered myself a Star Wars fanboy, there is no way in HELL I'd have even waited for a month in line to see Episode 1 even though it had been like 20 years since the last Star Wars movie. I mean, did any of these retards even SEE the last two movies? I mean they ranged from "Shit-on-a-stick" to "Unen-fucking-durable!" These people have to know what they're getting into here. You can only have so much blind faith, you know? It's like waiting in line for over a month for voluntary rectal surgery. I just don't get it. Hopefully, one or more of these people will have an "Oh, I've wasted my life!" sort of epiphany, while standing in line (or at the very least, after they finally leave that theater in May)...but I'm not holding my breath (well, unless I happen to walk past any of those kids as I'm sure the stench is unbearable.)

They go in threes*...

So last week was pretty busy for the reaper squad, huh? They say that people tend to die in threes, and famous people are no exception. Last week was pretty major in the death circuit. If I'd been in a death pool, I'd probably have cleaned up right about now. To be fair, the most highly publicized deaths were the two locks, as far as I'm concerned.

The first, Terri Schiavo was, for all intents and purposes...pretty much dead already. I mean even if they'd left her on life support, she was a mass of barely functioning brain cells. Nothing more. Regardless of whether or not there is a heaven or an immortal soul (I can't even fucking believe that this was an issue in two-thousand-and-goddamn-five) or whatever superstitious mumbo-jumbo was used as an excuse to bridge that important and necessary gap between church and state (that's getting uncomfortably smaller by the day,) I guarantee that Terri is in a better place (even if that place consists of nothingness.) She was also an inspiration to those of us who've not made out a living will. I made one a few years ago as part of a "Death Ed" project, and my parents have it on file. I'm pretty sure I asked that if I were ever brain damaged and fully incapacitated, that I be killed immediately, cremated, and my remains either be shot out of a cannon into the sun...or have my ashes be turned into a diamond and then have it set in a stripper's belly button ring. Doesn't that sound much better than being used as a drooling, brain-dead pawn in some crazy political power play?

Whatever, moving on. Next on the list of people who seem to be getting much more press now that they're dead, The Pope! Oh the Pope...what can I say. Oh, right...I don't really give a shit. I mean yeah, I guess it sucks that he's dead but at the same time, did you see the guy at all in the past 3 years? Next to him, Terri Schiavo looked like an Olympic gold medal gymnast! Believe me, you want to talk about better off? I mean, providing there is a hereafter, if anybody makes it in, it'll be the frikkin' Pope! The real upside to this is that it'll give the Catholic Church a chance to re-evaluate some of their unflinching positions on some outdated shit, like abortion and gay marriage (two things that really shouldn't even be issues but well, the religious always think they know what's best for the rest of us and will push those agendas via legislation or even gunpoint, if they have to.) Now I'm not a praying man but please God, let's let his replacement be just a little bit more progressive than the last guy...

Last, but certainly not least (and the only one out of the three that I actually gave a shit about, as shown by the fact that this is my second mention of his death in a week) was Mitch Hedberg. Man, talk about a fucking waste...I mean the other two were gonna bite it anyway. From a "where-do-we-go-from-here?" standpoint, it was really the smart move on their parts. Mitch, on the other hand, had nowhere to go but up. I mean, I keep up with comedy and all but I had really only listened to his stuff relatively recently and it was obvious that in a time where your choices are either "kinda funny" comedians or "overrated douche-hacks with their own shitty sitcoms" (fat guy from King of Queens, I'm looking at you!,) Mitch was truly a breath of fresh air (and by that, I mean pants-pissingly funny.) He was working on some stuff for a new album as well as an HBO special, as well as touring (he was supposed to play Baltimore the day after he died.) This was a man with a brilliant career ahead of him. Unfortunately, like most awesome creative geniuses, he also had a SERIOUS drug problem. I don't know what the deal is with that, dope must quiet the voices or something. It actually makes me genuinely angry that someone so brilliant would end up doing that to themselves. I mean, sure, it happens all the time (River Phoenix, Janis Joplin, Kurt Cobain, John Belushi...) I just think it's so incredibly selfish to rob the world of all that talent. We needed to laugh Mitch, and all you could do is break our hearts. You fucking bastard, we miss you already!


*an honorable mention goes to Bass Wolf, from the band Guitar Wolf...who also died late last week. Unfortunately, his passing was pretty much buried in this last batch so he didn't make it into the top 3. Better luck next time, dude...oh, right.