They go in threes*...

So last week was pretty busy for the reaper squad, huh? They say that people tend to die in threes, and famous people are no exception. Last week was pretty major in the death circuit. If I'd been in a death pool, I'd probably have cleaned up right about now. To be fair, the most highly publicized deaths were the two locks, as far as I'm concerned.

The first, Terri Schiavo was, for all intents and purposes...pretty much dead already. I mean even if they'd left her on life support, she was a mass of barely functioning brain cells. Nothing more. Regardless of whether or not there is a heaven or an immortal soul (I can't even fucking believe that this was an issue in two-thousand-and-goddamn-five) or whatever superstitious mumbo-jumbo was used as an excuse to bridge that important and necessary gap between church and state (that's getting uncomfortably smaller by the day,) I guarantee that Terri is in a better place (even if that place consists of nothingness.) She was also an inspiration to those of us who've not made out a living will. I made one a few years ago as part of a "Death Ed" project, and my parents have it on file. I'm pretty sure I asked that if I were ever brain damaged and fully incapacitated, that I be killed immediately, cremated, and my remains either be shot out of a cannon into the sun...or have my ashes be turned into a diamond and then have it set in a stripper's belly button ring. Doesn't that sound much better than being used as a drooling, brain-dead pawn in some crazy political power play?

Whatever, moving on. Next on the list of people who seem to be getting much more press now that they're dead, The Pope! Oh the Pope...what can I say. Oh, right...I don't really give a shit. I mean yeah, I guess it sucks that he's dead but at the same time, did you see the guy at all in the past 3 years? Next to him, Terri Schiavo looked like an Olympic gold medal gymnast! Believe me, you want to talk about better off? I mean, providing there is a hereafter, if anybody makes it in, it'll be the frikkin' Pope! The real upside to this is that it'll give the Catholic Church a chance to re-evaluate some of their unflinching positions on some outdated shit, like abortion and gay marriage (two things that really shouldn't even be issues but well, the religious always think they know what's best for the rest of us and will push those agendas via legislation or even gunpoint, if they have to.) Now I'm not a praying man but please God, let's let his replacement be just a little bit more progressive than the last guy...

Last, but certainly not least (and the only one out of the three that I actually gave a shit about, as shown by the fact that this is my second mention of his death in a week) was Mitch Hedberg. Man, talk about a fucking waste...I mean the other two were gonna bite it anyway. From a "where-do-we-go-from-here?" standpoint, it was really the smart move on their parts. Mitch, on the other hand, had nowhere to go but up. I mean, I keep up with comedy and all but I had really only listened to his stuff relatively recently and it was obvious that in a time where your choices are either "kinda funny" comedians or "overrated douche-hacks with their own shitty sitcoms" (fat guy from King of Queens, I'm looking at you!,) Mitch was truly a breath of fresh air (and by that, I mean pants-pissingly funny.) He was working on some stuff for a new album as well as an HBO special, as well as touring (he was supposed to play Baltimore the day after he died.) This was a man with a brilliant career ahead of him. Unfortunately, like most awesome creative geniuses, he also had a SERIOUS drug problem. I don't know what the deal is with that, dope must quiet the voices or something. It actually makes me genuinely angry that someone so brilliant would end up doing that to themselves. I mean, sure, it happens all the time (River Phoenix, Janis Joplin, Kurt Cobain, John Belushi...) I just think it's so incredibly selfish to rob the world of all that talent. We needed to laugh Mitch, and all you could do is break our hearts. You fucking bastard, we miss you already!


*an honorable mention goes to Bass Wolf, from the band Guitar Wolf...who also died late last week. Unfortunately, his passing was pretty much buried in this last batch so he didn't make it into the top 3. Better luck next time, dude...oh, right.